What you describe resonates with me so strongly, I feel like I could have written it myself. I have been homeschooling for about 5 yrs. I spent over a year planning for it, before we started. I couldn't wait. I had spent countless hours researching curriculum, had tons of notes, websites bookmarked, planners, books, etc. I was so prepared. Then we started homeschooling (My kids were 6 and 3) and everything fell apart. I had dreamed of staying home with my kids, all the fun we would have, how smoothly our days would go, etc. There was nothing I wanted more. So why was I unmotivated, lazy, unorganized, unreliable? It was a disaster and I felt like a failure. My 6 yr old was also struggling with reading and nothing was working. Everything was so different than I had expected.
Unfortunately, this struggle went on for a few years, before I found out that I had ADD. I can't speak for you or anyone else, but this disorder is the explanation for my problems. I had the symptoms as a child, but was never diagnosed, and I struggled with the symptoms through adulthood, but I was in the military all that time, which is very structured. You are told what to do, when to do it, how to do it, etc. So, that structure kept me together. When I separated from the military to homeschool my kids, I unknowingly pulled the rug out from under my feet and took away all accountability for myself. ADD could more accurately be called a self-regulation disorder (Dr. Russell Barkley has some You Tube videos that explain it so well). You have trouble regulating your emotions, your time, your motivation, your impulses, everything. I had no idea of the extent of my disorganization, lack of motivation, etc. until the structure was withdrawn and I was forced to try to create it myself. Anyways, this is my understanding, after having gone through years of struggle, beating myself up, questioning myself, trying and failing, trying and failing some more, etc.
To be brutally honest, I would put my kids back into school in a heartbeat. The struggle is so draining, that I feel like I enjoyed my kids more when I worked full time and only saw them in the evenings. There are only two reasons I'm still homeschooling: 1. About the same time I found out I have ADD, I also found out my kids have it, as well (it's highly heritable). I also found out they have Dyslexia, which most schools are not equipped to deal with. So, I feel like putting them back in school, would fail them, as they would not be getting taught in the way that they need to learn. 2. I hear all the stories of the values that are being taught in school, that I don't want my kids to be taught. Also, I keep hearing from parents, that the schools in our area are awful, and there have been several news reports lately, of inappropriate relationships between the teachers and students. I couldn't put my kids in that environment.
So, in my mind, there's no going back and I make it work because I must. I definitely haven't reached perfection, and I never will. But when I fail, I keep picking myself back up again and take it as a lesson to learn from. I've learned a lot about myself and forced myself to learn some habits, to help create accountability. I wish I could say I've become successful, but I don't know what that even means. I think I'm in a better place than I was years ago, but I still have a ways to go. My kids are intelligent, they're learning, and they also have plenty of free time to use their imaginations and explore their interests.
I now have 4 kids, one of which is a preschooler with a speech delay and behavior problems, and I also have a baby. So, I have been forced to be more wise with my time. There are still days where I am lazy and unprepared. I'm horrible about planning ahead. I often have my kids do their math sheet and then one of them needs help with a math problem and, had I prepared ahead of time, I would know how to handle it. But because I didn't, I have to flip through the teacher's guide and find the lesson, speed read through it until I know what's going on, then help the kid with it. Is that ideal? No. Does it waste time and cause unneeded stress? Yes. But at least it gets done, in the end. Maybe one of these days, I will be able to find a way to plan ahead, that sticks. I am a work in progress. I also have days, like you mentioned, where school just goes out the window. Maybe it's because of a stressful week or being too busy with other things, but because of this, we do school through the summer and I feel like we're never completely caught up. From what I hear form other homeschooling parents, though, this seems to be pretty normal? We just keep trekking on. In the end, they are still going to learn what they need to learn. I just try to prioritize and make sure the basics come first.
Also, getting enough sleep plays a huge roll in how much stress I can handle and how much motivation I can muster. I'm practically useless if I am all foggy headed from lack of sleep. And coffee, lots of coffee. It's a natural stimulant.
Honestly, the most effective thing for me, has been using curriculum that the kids can do on their own. Computer programs that take them through it and grade it themselves. Audiobooks. Videos. Anything that can do the job for you, when you can't do it. There's a free online curriculum called Easy Peasy Homeschool, that the child can go through and do themselves when they are a little older. I am using that curriculum with my preschooler, because it tells you everything to do and you just click through it. Stuff like that. I love to read, so I chose the Sonlight curriculum. It's a great curriculum, but I couldn't deal with the big binder and all the flipping around from section to section, to look at notes here and there and everywhere, then go look at this map, etc. It drove me crazy, so I just ditched the binder and read from the books at my own pace, asked my own questions, etc. It was the only way it was going to get done. I set alarms on my phone for everything. Timers are a really great tool and I'm trying to get into the habit of utilizing those on a regular basis. I've tried to set things up so that we get all the chores and school done in the morning, so it's over with and out of the way. That's been a lot easier said, than done. Having two little ones to take care of, makes that hard. Plus, my two older kids need more direction and guidance than they should at their ages, because of their ADD. I'm still trying to set up an effective system for them to be able to initiate and follow through on more things on their own. It's hard for a mom with self-regulation problems, to teach her kids self-regulation. But with lots of practice, we are getting there.
Hopefully, I haven't scared you away from homeschooling if it's what you really want to do, but it's great that you know your weaknesses beforehand and know that it will be a lot of work. See how it goes, but don't be afraid or ashamed to have to change things to make them work for you and your kids. Again, I would highly recommend curriculum that does the job for you, even if it's just for a couple of the subjects that you struggle with. For example, science is something I can't always find the time to do with the older kids. I just ordered them an online curriculum that they go through and do themselves and it tests and grades them! Starting out, I would have scoffed at a program doing my job for me, but now it's a life saver. Also, curriculum with little to no prep. Just open and go. I know from experience how extremely extremely difficult it is, to overcome that unmotivated hurdle. I haven't found a way around it, other than using these types of programs. There are so many options out there for curriculum, there is something to fit the needs of every family. I had to mourn the way I had originally envisioned our homeschooling journey would look like, and accept the reality. I still feel like my kids will be better off, than if they had stayed in the public school system.
And hey, if you read through this long post, you can probably do anything!
_________________ Mom to Christian (13), Saphira (10), Xavier (5), and Adrian (2).
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