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 Post subject: At what point do elderly parents need help?
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 10:42 am 
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Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2012 5:16 pm
Posts: 2311
Location: Sunshine State
When you see they can no longer make 'reasonable' choices?

I am blessed to still have both my parents alive. Mom is 87, dad is 80. Since the year 2001 they have made some awful choices, mostly selling the house and moving back and forth between FL (where my sis lives and where their house was) to CA (where my brother lives) and TX (where I live).

They lived in TX the longest. My dad actually LOVES it here but mom hates the heat and the hail-the-size-of-eggs (we dont talk to her about the softball sized ones). Last July we helped them move back to FL. Thought that would be their last move. They are in a senior community and close by to all extended family. But they just moved out of their two bedroom into a one bedroom and HATE it. These apartments are really like condos, they are individually owned and not all amenities are alike.

Dad is ready to move back to TX, he really gets along with dh. Dh and I were already thinking of letting them have the master bedroom/bath and we can take over the rest of the house (3 bedrooms and a full bath). Dad could have fun gardening in our 4 acres. Mom is just too old to be puttering around the house cleaning/cooking/doing laundry by herself. Maybe the senior community here has a place they will like? All well.

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 Post subject: Re: At what point do elderly parents need help?
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 10:53 am 
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Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2012 7:14 pm
Posts: 8115
Well, the general standard is when their judgment *changes* from what it was before. If your parents have *always* made bad choices about moving, well - it's not age-related. (This is a general rule for having a parent declared incompetent and becoming their guardian because of dementia - something most don't want to do. But, it's still a good guideline)

Frequent falls are another indicator of physical problems that need help.

Leaving things forgotten on the stove. Putting things in bizarre places (like putting the keys in the freezer) and not being able to find them. Getting lost while driving - if they're in another state, they won't probably tell you about this stuff.

Try to have someone get a discreet look at the house - that might be your best indicator. My Mom was hiding from us that she couldn't do simple things like laundry & dishes (she wouldn't let us in the house - she came to see us - I thought it was just clutter that she was hiding). We didn't find out till she had her heart attack & I had to go to the house to get things for her.

With my Mom, her brain pics shortly before she passed away showed that she had had dementia-like brain damage for a while caused by strokes. But, her docs couldn't catch it - she could count backwards by seven! (and that was all they looked at! GRRR).

If they WILL move into your in-laws-apartment - well that's perfect! Because at 87 & 80, even if they don't need help now, they probably will soon. And, it will give you a lot of peace-of-mind to be able to check on them.

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 Post subject: Re: At what point do elderly parents need help?
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 11:19 am 
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Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2012 2:58 pm
Posts: 1095
I just lost my post to you. :( Anyway, in a nutshell, Anna gave good info. I'd just add a couple of things. First, if you consider their moving record to be bad choices regarding their moves, then I'd already be needing elderly parent help. ;) This issue could simply be their not having yet found their (either/or/both) most acceptable, comfortable, heart filling, final nesting place. I think I could be just like them one day. I'd think I had the best/right answer to where to settle, and get there and find something not quite right, and need to move someplace else to be sure. My dh on the other hand would settle in and be fine wherever. Thankfully he is patient with me. My uncertaintly becomes physically burdonsome since moving is hard. I have done all I can to make that an easier process by downsizing/decluttering. One day, I hope I can find my "right" spot. I hope for your parents and for your sake, that they can as well. Sounds like you have a great option available.

When your parents daily living skills deteriorate to where they are unsafe then assistance would be warranted, to whatever degree gets them safe, but allows for them to continue making the most decisions they can/wish to, would be ideal. We all have our quirks, so what is "acceptable" will look different for each of us. Greatly diminished health and memory are usually the two biggest areas of concern because they create potentially unstable/unsafe situations.

What do you parents think about this? Not that you have sat down with them and told them you think they have diminshed capacity or anything, but do they voice concerns? Are they showing unsafe living? Are they frustrated with the moves and asking for advice/help? Other than the moving issue, are there other things that are of concern to you?


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 Post subject: Re: At what point do elderly parents need help?
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 10:01 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2012 9:16 pm
Posts: 139
I think another thing you need to consider is their finances. Are the frequent moves costing them more money then they are taking in and because of that are they draining their reserves or income. My dad for several years made poor financial choices, he would give money away and not really keep track. For the first several years it wasn't a problem because he had the money to give. Then one of our relatives started taking advantage and he was giving him huge sums of money. We finally had to declare him incompetent because of his financial situation and his poor judgement in regards to his finances. If they can afford the moves but are just physically and psychologically draining you guys then there really isn't much you can do. Just keep in mind the other things that have already been talked about.


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 Post subject: Re: At what point do elderly parents need help?
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 10:39 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jul 01, 2012 9:48 am
Posts: 1026
Location: Middle GA
Briva, this is a subject that is on my mind All. The. Time.!!!

My parents are ok right now. Dad is 8, Mom is 78. She has health issues....macular degeneration...very bad...failing vision, and ulcerative colitis - which keeps her homebound and close to a bathroom. Her mind is VERY sharp! My dad's physical health is incredible...even his dr told him that he was in better shape than most 40 year olds...and that's the truth. His mental state worries me some, though....and it bothers my mom, too. He is very forgetful (which he has always been on the disorganized/forgetful side to begin with), but every little thing he forgets bothers him and he gets angry and frustrated about it. My mom has to make most of the major decisions, now, and she hates that! He has talked to his dr. about this....his dr asked him if he could find his car in the parking lot when he went shopping...find his way home, etc. (he has to do all of the shopping, grocery shopping, running errands, etc, as my mom can't leave the house.) And he has no problem with any of this. I know, because I try to get out with him whenever I go up there, just to keep an eye on this kind of thing. He is really amazing. He doesn't wear glasses, and he can get down on the floor on one knee and just pop right back up! I can't even do that!!!! I need a crane...or at least 2 kids...to pull me up! :lol:

They are financially secure and they will NOT move! It would make it easier for me if they would move closer to me, but that won't happen. We put a small double-wide on the lot next door to their house, which makes it much easier for me to visit them (they live 4 hours away), and I can move in there long-term when the time comes.

I only have one sister -who lives 2 hours away from my parents. She is single and works, so most of the care-taking - right now anyway - falls on me. I would love to have a job, even part-time, but I don't know what I could do that would give me any flexibility and allow me to make a spur-of-the-moment trip up to my parents should the need arise. The trailer and lot are in my name, and their house is in my sister's name. We both have power of attorney, and durable power of attorney. They have all their funeral arrangements made and paid for. They have done everything they can possibly think of as far as "estate planning" goes.

I am just trying to mentally prepare myself to make a long-term move up there....which isn't all bad...it's in the North GA mountains and it is beautiful...but it is hard to leave everything that is comfortable and familiar.

Ok...I know I'm just rambling here and haven't really helped you out at all, Briva. But taking care of my parents is a topic that is close to my heart right now. It's not an easy place to be, but it is a good place....I want to do the best I can for them.

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 Post subject: Re: At what point do elderly parents need help?
PostPosted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 11:47 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jun 30, 2012 7:14 pm
Posts: 8115
Since Laurajean mentioned her Dad's anger & frustration, that reminded me.

One major dementia & alzheimer's symptom that is often overlooked is anger. (not that her Dad has it, her mention only reminded me).

If there is a personality change that can also be a sign that help is needed where it wasn't before.

And, like Alyce says, watch for financial judgment and people taking advantage. I even know one *much* older lady who was being romanced by a young ex-con. It was not her personality to be casually dating, or to be endangering her finances.

So, both personality changes & financial judgment are good things to consider.

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