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 Post subject: Dealing with feelings of rejection, abandonment, ...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 1:54 pm 
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etc.

It seems there have been more people coming into my life that are really messed up because of feelings of abandonment. Some women (in their 40's even) still have issues with fathers that left them as young children, some have issues over families that are not "Norman Rockwell" families - families that always argue during holidays or don't want to get together with each other at all. (This isn't just a holiday issue but it seems to intensify feelings at this time.)

Others feel abandoned by God because of things they've gone through - abuses and losses. Where was God? Why did He let this happen to me? etc.

Dh and I were talking about it this morning and we both have abandonment stories - my mother gave me up for adoption and my adopted mom's mother never accepted me; dh's father left him (the family) when he was 8 or 9. It hurts when you think about it but it only shapes my life in how I feel towards others that feel rejected.

How can we help others get past their hurts and on to living abundantly?


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 Post subject: Re: Dealing with feelings of rejection, abandonment, ...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 2:52 pm 
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You have to choose to get over past hurts. If one doesn't choose to move on, no one can help him. However, if you do wish to move on, I think one of the best ways is to listen to others' stories. This helps you put your own past into perspective as in, "I had it bad but at least I didn't have "blank" happen to me like that person did."

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 Post subject: Re: Dealing with feelings of rejection, abandonment, ...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:22 pm 
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This is the biggest issue my ds has. His Daddy was not in his life as much as ds had wanted as he got older (we were divorced, Dad was a truck driver, and the last couple of years before his death he did not see the kids as much as he had before). Then Daddy died suddenly when ds was 9. Lots of loss, feelings of abandonment, and now such sadness of all the "this will never happen" type grief.

Until ds comes to a place where he is able to face all his feelings regarding his Dad, then he will not be able to work through those feelings. Until he is able to forgive his Dad for not being there/dying/other unresolved issues they were dealing with at time of death, then he is in essence stuck. He is at least now talking to others and at a differerent maturity level so he is starting to work through some things.

Sometimes people hold onto the hurt (real or perceived) because it is comfortable, or it gives them an "out" in behavior, or it brings in attention from others ("you poor thing") and that is better than letting it go and moving forward. The unknown of what life will look like with these things no longer a part of "who I am", but instead, "part of who I was" can be scary/uncomfortable to many people.


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 Post subject: Re: Dealing with feelings of rejection, abandonment, ...
PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 5:32 pm 
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I dealt with this myself and it didn't get any better until a few things happened. They're all connected in a line of action, one coming right after the other:

1. When at my doctor's office to discuss my hysterectomy, doc agreed with the OB/GYN but also said that until I dealt with my past, I would continue to see physical effects. He suggested I write. So I began with my earliest memory which was at about 3 1/2 yo. I wrote what I could remember until I came to about 5yo. That was a huge bump and came with a ton of tears but it was amazingly cleansing.

2. I ran two marathons. I have always dealt with fear of failure so I chose a goal (unbeknownst to me) and during the process of working up to the 26.2 miles, I learned a lot about myself and what I can overcome. It was more of a spiritual battle than anything else.

3. I started forgiving people. I even went so far as to contact my former step-father who I felt abandoned me while he was still married to my mother. He and I finally talked and the story of forgiveness was truly a miracle. I believe I might've written about it here at HSC. That started the ball rolling. I contacted a few others to ASK for forgiveness, rather than expecting an apology. The floodgates opened!

4. I found the Orthodox Church. I know many of you don't agree. However, what I found was not just a building to worship in or an authority to obey. What I found was the continuation of healing. It is said that the Church is a hospital for the soul and I have definitely found that to be true. I had many people in my family or in my Protestant churches who would say, "Just decide to get over it," but truly I believe that is not how we find victory. We should be there for eachother and carry eachother's burdens. I have never once heard a platitude in the EOC and that's all I heard in Protestantism. (I'm certain not all P churches are like this; it was my personal experience though and did nothing for my spiritual growth). I am now able to work these things out one by one as the Holy Spirit leads and I know that each day, God will shed more light in the dark areas, the painful areas, and allow me to overcome. And I am able to do this because of the long tradition/Tradition of the Church. :D


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 Post subject: Re: Dealing with feelings of rejection, abandonment, ...
PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2012 1:10 pm 
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Thank you for the replies. These are helpful. :)

I read this while I was waiting this morning: "Just think about it. Why did some events wound you deeply when they didn't matter at all to the rest of your family? Consider that you needed the wisdom that that incident had to offer. Maybe that pain held a huge lesson that you would have missed if it hadn't been so severe."


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 Post subject: Re: Dealing with feelings of rejection, abandonment, ...
PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2012 2:39 pm 
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I've often wondered how people within the same family could have such different emotional responses and overall life impact to events that were shared by all. I think the age you were at the time it happened, combined with individual personality traits and quirks are huge factors.

I think these same things make a difference when it comes to healing. We are all capable of healing, moving forward in healthier ways... but the emotional age we might be stuck in for any given event can hinder the process, especially if we aren't aware that we really might not be "seeing" things from the chronological age we are at in the moment.


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 Post subject: Re: Dealing with feelings of rejection, abandonment, ...
PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2012 2:49 pm 
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My bio mom always told me how her dad rejected her because she wasn't a boy. She tried so hard to prove she was just as good as any man. Years later I met her brother and heard them discussing issues they had with their dad. It was odd that HE tho't he was the rejected one and mom was the favored one!

I think our own "take" on it colors it vividly, or shades it as a non-event. And I agree on the factors you mentioned Pam and I'm sure there are more. If we practice 1 Cor 13 and see things through the filter of God's love we would have way fewer issues!


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 Post subject: Re: Dealing with feelings of rejection, abandonment, ...
PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2012 10:04 pm 
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When I returned to living my life under the Lordship of Jesus Christ at the age of 19 (was first introduced to Christ @ 5yo and strayed in my teen years after I started facing issues of abuse earlier in my childhood), I began a journey of forgiveness toward my mother and father. My mother was mentally ill while my siblings and I were growing up and very mean. My father worked 2 jobs, sometimes 3 and was never around and didn't have a clue how bad mom had gotten until about 10 years ago when I had opportunity to share our family history with him.

First off, the person who has been rejected or abused needs to come to the realization that there are things they need to address in their life. You can't blame anyone else for how you are feeling, and just the fact that you have "feelings" toward being treated a certain way are indicators that you have some things God wants to walk you through.

While some may require professional counseling, others can pray and ask the Holy Spirit to walk them through their pain, as I did. The Spirit showed me how to journal my thoughts, including anger, rage, hatred, disappointment, fear, rejection, mistrust, etc., one by one, including suicidal tendencies. While I wouldn't recommend someone with issues as deeply ceded as mine, I am grateful that God revealed Himself to me in all my pain, and I have grown to become the person He created me to be when I was able to work through each emotion and stronghold I experienced as a result of my childhood.

I look at my 2 siblings, who have never dealth with any of the junk and they are both very unstable mentally, as well as unable to be happy and content in life, despite their attemps in their own strength.

I am a firm believer that there IS power in the name and blood of Jesus to help heal you to the core of your emotions, and am grateful He chose to demonstrate His power so effectively in this "shell" of a human being. By His grace I was saved from my past and He replaced my fears with hope and contentment in who I am.

*disclosure...NOTHING that took place was in my own strength. I owe all the credit to the Lord. : )


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